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the "R" word

By Krater

I am going to take this post as a personal blog. At this moment, I should be working on my final for African American Experience, but before I can do that, I need to process some stuff going on in my head. This semester, like most, has reached the point where my head hurts. Not hurting in the sense that I am tired of doing research, etc. (not that this isn't part of it), but in a sense that there is so much to think about and understand how it fits into my life.

I will begin with the end and work my way there.

After another semester of sociology, I am left to choose between hope and despair.
After a semester of African American experience, I have to once again face the "r" word: race, racism, racial issues, etc. you choose.

Race. It goes back and forth between an internal and external conflict for me. It is easy for me to recognize all the external conflicts. No matter what instance or situation I am looking at or someone is explaining to me, I immediately think about race and its role in the situation. I think about where I am today and where I was. Coming from being a minority to an overwhelming majority. Even being a minority in my high school, I was still privileged. I avoided the fights in the hallways and didn't eat in cafeteria. I found my safe places while still being "friends" with black people. Then I found myself in circles of friends saying "If only we could just be colorblind". What does that really mean anyway?

After this semester in African American Experience, a class focused on what African Americans have done and not what has been done to African Americans, my mind is left a mess. I won't get into all the details, but it just complicates history even more. Historically, blacks have been labeled as the problem people for this nation. Race. It is this problem we have to deal with. Right?

I could choose for the rest of my life to avoid this fairly easily. I am a white middle class young woman. And in this day and age, I have the affirmative action thing working for me. But, I find myself returning to these situations where I have to face this whole race issue. Last semester, I spend Thursday nights in class in a prison, where most of my classmates where black men. It was overwhelming and heartbreaking. Here I am, facing men society tells me to fear and avoid, especially being a white women, yet, they are some of the most changed, loving, respectful men I have ever met. Living in the closest thing to hell I have seen on earth. Yet there is hope. Oh, there is hope. How can someone in jail, a place that is utterly against them and for the destruction of their heart and character, find joy and love?

Last Thanksgiving, my family went to downtown Dallas to serve with my brother and sister in law's church. They put on this huge lunch/donation thing for the very poor and homeless in the area. As the line outside the fence formed to be let in, I saw black face after black face. After helping several people through the line where they could pick out clothing and items of necessity, I came to family of five. As my family began to help this family through, I found myself paired up with the young girl of the family. She was probably about 5. It was a joy to help her pick out a backpack, a new coat, new clothes, and a new stuffed animal. This family loved each other. They only took what they needed. They had smiles on their faces. They had joy. Yet, this Thanksgiving, when we had the chance to go again, I didn't want to. I didn't want to face the issue again. It is heart breaking and overwhelming.

I have other stories that stick with me and cause me to really question if I am living for myself or for God. All of these situations lead me to the same fork in the road. To choose hope or despair? In my field of study, most choose despair. Then they write books about it. It so easy to see a world of despair. A world where blacks are a "problem people". I find myself having similar feelings about these people at times. But for some reason, God keeps putting me in situations that make my flesh scream "Get me out of here!" Its uncomfortable and overwhelming, but I cannot escape facing this issue. Not because it needs to be fixed, but because it needs to be embraced.

Yesterday in my New Testament class, we were watching each groups video presentation. The first group did a documentary about marriage in today's society. They interviewed different people around Nashville. They came to the question "What would Jesus say about today's state of marriage/divorce if he were to come back today?" After a few responses, I noticed not one person had said anything about grace or love. But then, it came to a woman who said, with tears in her eyes, that we do not understand how much God loves us because of Christ, and how he hurts for us as we hurt.

I am left with this simple statement. He loves us. Because he love us, there is hope. While I may not understand all these problems and issues, I can hope in his love for us. I want a softened heart. I want to show His love. It is so big. I don't understand it all the time. But I do know that, no matter what color skin someone has or cultural practices, He loves us. At the end of the day, that is what I will proclaim. His love for the nations. His love. His love. His love.

All this to say, I apologize if ever sound like a broken record or take the issue too seriously. But it something that God has put in my heart. I don't understand it at times and I hate that I care so much sometimes. But, His love is overwhelming and causes things to change in me that I never thought possible.

Why you should watch Lost

"I would enjoy being stranded on a desert island.
my days would consist of the best things in the world. I would get to work with my hands, hunt and fish. I would get to construct things with my hands. I would be able to see every star in the sky. Spend tons of time praying, studying and thinking about theology. I would be able to lay down at night tired and ready for bed from putting in a hard days work.
plus i would get to hang out with you all
start fires
Forget all the stuff of the world
no jobs or worries about money
only living for life and taking it one day at a time"

-Blake Swafford

i need africa more than africa needs me.

every monday i get the wonderful opportunity to volunteer at the mocha club with some amazing people on an amazing mission. now, you may be wondering (if i haven't already told you)...

"what is mocha club??? is that like a coffee shop with membership???" and my response would then be, "MOCHA CLUB is super cool...it's a thread from our hearts to the hearts of those in Africa. here's how it works--- you join by giving $7 a month- the cost of 2 mochas- to support a project in Africa. once you join, you can create a team and invite your friends to join you in giving to a specific project. Mocha Club's vision is to provide a way for people who don't have hundreds or thousands of dollars to make a difference in Africa."

now that we've had that nice conversation, Mocha Club is starting a new campaign with the idea of "I need Africa more than Africa needs me" and we're trying to spread the vision through blogging about it today. so, i'm supposed to give my thoughts on this idea. for the past few years africa has been the rage among those desiring to help the world. with invisible children's campaign, the vision to help those in Africa spread like butter, or that's at least the feeling i got. suddenly all of my friends wanted to go and "help." this idea of helping is kind of funny to me, though. i know that the resources in Africa may not be as "good" as in America, according to American standards, but they are so rich in other areas. 

 Kristin went to Africa last summer, and i've heard many stories of her trip, but here's a little something she wrote that i think explains a little glimpse of Africa... "Today, we took a walk, with a local, through the slum of Kibera, the largest slum in the world. Of course, when you think of slum, you think of dying sick people on the side of the road; everyone looking so depressed and hungry; dark clouds and just a generally bad atmosphere. What we saw today was quite different. While there is trash everywhere and lots of people in a small space, life still goes on. The place was bursting with life and energy. People were laughing, people were in deep conversation. Children were learning in school. People were cleaning their businesses. Life still remains. I was only there for about an hour, and it was one of the most rewarding experiences I have had here."

From what I've heard and hope to experience one day, they have so much more joy. They see life without the veil of materialism. They seem to have a different motive. They don't need a laptop or a wii to have joy. I often find myself wishing I could see the world from their perspective at times. Of course I feel blessed to have grown up in a wonderful family and provided with everything i have needed, but I wonder how much of my view of NEED is socially constructed. I NEED Christ. I NEED love. I NEED a Savior. that's it.

So does Africa NEED us? maybe in some ways, but in other ways, i feel like we need Africa. do i still love to give every month? of course. why? because i know i'm making a difference- providing clean water. it's not about giving because i think they need me. it's about giving out of love.

I'd love to know your thoughts, and maybe you could make a blog post yourself! whoa! join Mocha Club in the worthwhile cause of recasting the already existing ideas of Africa that force pity over partnership. It's truly a partnership- giving and receiving from both sides.

We got visas in our names